Big Boobs, A Buried Hatchet & Relationship Chaos (18-24 January)

Monday 18/1/88

A Life in Words

Palm Cove, with its view of Double Island

Well I was only just awake when Sharon rang. I got up & she wanted me to ride over, then we’d ride to Palm Cove. So I got ready & was just about to leave when mum got the mail: my QTAC stuff arrived. I’d gotten into Gatton – only the B. Tourism, tho’ (like Mark) so I’ve put down that I’ll defer, but I’d still like my higher preferences to be considered. Anyway, the ride was extremely hot and hard, and I nearly stacked it near Smithfield Shopping Centre. So I “collapsed” at Sharon’s and (as she was at Smithfield) when she came back I refused to get on my bike again. So Mrs Weeks dropped us at the beach (Palm Cove) and we lay for only a few minutes, on the beach (it was very hot – mum told me later it was 35°C at 10.30 this morning) then to Ramada for a swim. We saw Juliet’s Dad – Mr. P & Sharon talked to him. It’s so beautiful, that pool, that whole resort! The pool was very cool and the spa, although warm (hot!) was very “theraputic”! After that we lay for awhile in the sun, before “exploring” the hotel and then going down to the shop to get lunch. Back at Ramada, we swam again then hopped in the spa (talking to some English tourists) -couldn’t get  a word in edgewise!) out again, we packed up & went to the shop for last snacks, then tried to ring Sharon’s parents. Her dad took us home. I rang mum, chucked the bike in the ‘back’ [of the car] and at home, read my Gatton info properly. Got ready & went to TAFE – what a let-down: they don’t have a receptionist course at all. Great; so I’m going to have to get an ordinary job for this year. Huh. Well Mark rang around 6:00, 6.30 – and said he’d try to come over. I cleaned out my top drawers and watched TV. He rang saying he’d be late: and he arrived after 9.00. It was boring (especially & ‘extremely’ for him) We watched the Thorn Birds .. that was it: did nothing else, though I tried (well not really) then he wanted to leave straight after. I tried to stop him from going: he was joking around & I just got all choked up & started crying. I don’t really know why – I guess it was because he’s going soon, and we don’t, I think, seem to be spending enough time together. He got out & hugged (& kissed me) And he promised to ring me tomorrow. I need a good sleep.

Tuesday 19/1/88

Woke quite early (that’s becoming an annoying habit lately) but slept in. Was surprised when Mark rang at 9.30 (I thought it’d be 10:00 at the very earliest) We didn’t really decide on anything to do, but he said he’d come over. I thought ½hr…but he rolled up a little later: and I mean rolled: on a bike (he rode here) A Life in WordsWe had a really good day surprisingly enough – water/hose fights … annoying & tickling while watching cricket: was really fun! And when he was going to go, he rang his mum (to pick up the bike) and asked if I could stay, so we mucked around till his dad came, then I hurriedly packed a bag (forgetting the bloody meds & pill) At Mark’s, we mucked around; didn’t really do much: did a lot of kissing, tho’…. most kissing we’ve ever done in one day …YUMMY! Watched cricket … exciting Aust. win! We went to bed at 10.00 or so, and well, talked & kissed till 12.30. Talked about us: not the ordinary relationship stuff, but the sexual side …communication! [privacy omission] I couldn’t believe that: I always thought they [my boobs] were average but he said he always thought they were big. He said [privacy omission] Anyway it was about 12.30, when I climbed back into my bed….

Wednesday 20/1/88

Woke early, around 7.30, again, but managed to doze awhile …Mark was very sleepy. He finally had to get up around 10.00 when Steven arrived. A Life in WordsI lay and listened to some tapes (he wouldn’t let me listen to the Hungry4Hits+1 [privacy omission]) then had a shower. After toast (& an uncomfortable ‘hello’ to Steven) [I’m not entirely sure why I felt uncomfortable? But then, I think he was someone I’d never truly felt comfortable around…] I watched TV, then because Mark wanted to go with Steven to Earlville, he drove me home [privacy omission] Said he’d ring me about what he’s doing tonight. So I unpacked & watched TV, and listened to music for most of the day. Theresa Lauren & Christie were at home when I got there (Julia was babysitting) Julia is being very badly affected by [privacy omission]: very cranky – snaps at you for no reason. Of course, I snap back because it annoys me. Fiona & Joannah (long lost friends!) rang me today. Fiona wanted to go out, and asked me to ring her back when I’d decided. Watching cricket, I fell asleep then Mark rang about 6.30 (earlier? Yeah, 5.30, sorry) and said he was going out, but to Scandals, instead. So I rang around to try to find out who else would be going out. It looked grim. But Fi said she’d come at 9.00. I got ready & we went & picked up Trevor, Matt & Steven G. Up there, Nigel was outside & Keith said they were being really strict on I.D. Fi & I waited awhile then she walked in with Willie & I on my own, totally ‘unhassled’. Was a bit empty inside I stood talking to Tania. Did a fair bit of dancing, before Mark turned up: I was by the airconditioner. with, get this: Nicole, Juliet & Jude, when he walked up & gave me some big passionate kisses… A Life in Wordsthey all walked off! Ha! I didn’t see him much; he got drunker & drunker & seemed to have less & less interest in me. Steven left, but Chris & Mark stayed. I was ‘lost’ … running around either Jude, Juliet, [privacy omission] or Megan. Fiona danced with Trevor nearly all night. Everytime I saw Mark he said he was going. Was he trying to get rid of me? Then this girl came up & dragged him to dance with ..ugh… Belinda K and he danced for ages then, he went to the toilet & I greeted him & we danced, found $2 & got a drink each. [Hmm, clearly still ‘Dollar Nights’ were still happening, not yet ‘illegal’…] [Privacy omission] also talked to me: He said sorry & I said “NO!” I was sorry for not talking last week. Anyhow – we buried the hatchet. Mark kept going to talk to Belinda & her friends. I was a bit hurt & annoyed – talked to Tania. Then he, Chris & Keith went outside. So, did it seem, did the whole of Smithy’s. Outside with Fi I saw [privacy omission] fighting someone, then further down the carpark – [privacy omission] they got into someone’s car & left. I felt so exhausted: bored, tired and annoyed, hurt & depressed about Mark. Finally Fi took me .. well, Matt first, then Trevor, but we had to go back to see if Steven G. was still there. He wasn’t & when Trev. got out again, I lay down & dozed off. Woke hearing [privacy omission] interrogating Fiona. I pretended to be asleep. Then, when she dropped me home – we talked. Then, I got into bed at 3.40.

Thursday 21/1/88

[Last night] I talked to heaps of people: Steven S, Stewart P, Richard O’S, Wayne C & Kel B, Tania (of course): people I wouldn’t (well except Tania, Kel & Wayne) normally talk to. Anyway, [today] I woke before 9.00 & couldn’t get back to sleep so did ‘nothing’ (listened to Bruce Springsteen) while waiting for Mark’s call. I was going to give him until 11.30 to ring & when he hadn’t, I tried – but the phone was engaged. I got through at 11.45 and he told me he was sore (ribs & ear) and that he went to Casualty at the hospital, last night, to check his wounds. A Life in WordsHe head-butted the guy, [privacy omission]. He thought he might’ve had cracked ribs so they went to hospital. I felt really sorry for him & said I’d be over ‘soon’. Got there during DAYS OF OUR LIVES, sometime and we just watched TV all night (I mean, afternoon) I went before he went to the dentist (or just as he was leaving) and he said he’d ring me when he got home. At home, I rang, who was it? CB & [privacy omission]! (I ‘christened’ their new phone) and talked for ages! Then Mark rang soon after & we decided I’d go to his place. On the way there I remembered I forgot meds, so we went to the shop… Julia saw Mark, so he saw us (he waved, she said) so we went back again (he saw us again, though) and got chocolate & lolly-gobble-bliss-bombs.A Life in Words Mark was waiting on the steps when I arrived and asked why we kept driving around. I produced the “goods” and he said silly girl! We watched TV all night (well, till after Moonlighting) when Mark wanted me to ask him Trivial Pursuit Q’s… but ended up watching Dallas, instead. Went to bed without kissing or talking (he didn’t seem to be talking to me)….

Friday 22/1/88

I remember waking briefly at 3.40am & wanting to wake Mark to wish him Happy Anniversary, but deciding against it. [Er, very good decision…] We woke quite early and the mucking around was a bit rougher. [privacy omission] I got a bit upset when he didn’t respond after that at all, & got up & walked out of the room. I heard him shower, then I got up, went to the loo & asked for a towel. I accidentally let Tippy [their dog] out and felt worse after that. I had a cry in the shower. Out, he was making breakfast & when he’d finished his, asked me if I wanted any. “NO.” I was watching TV. He sat down & mucked around with the Trivial Pursuit game, then asked if I’d like to play “Yeah”. So we did, and it was better after that. I asked for lunch, after Keith left [privacy omission]. Sandra made me a tunafish sandwich. I was shitty with Mark. [Here I have omitted details of his behaviour towards me]. So I did & it HURT. It hurt so much. I sat alone then Sandra & Mrs. W. went out. I watched cricket and cried. then I went in his room – [privacy omission] I asked what was wrong, why he was doing this to me – what did I do to deserve it? A Life in WordsHe said [privacy omission]. FUCK HIM. He got all shitty back last year when I joked about him leaving the hospital – he took that seriously – he overreacted and I wasn’t half as mean – [privacy omission]. He is a CONTRADICTORY PRICK. HE HURTS ME SO MUCH. I couldn’t believe this was happening. It was the first time he’d been like this since he’d been back – since we even broke up in September. WHY? I gathered I was suffocating him again … he was seeing too much of me. (We could never live together [well hello, glaring hint…] – it’d kill me – much as I’d’ve liked to) So I apologised, [WTF… why?] said I’d call him. [I’m not sure if you can fathom exactly how painful this is for me to witness and ‘re-live’: my blindness, weakness, (stupidity?) attachment (addiction) and tenacity is beyond mortifying. It’s glaringly obvious now how unhealthy the relationship was – for both of us – but it was an imperative life experience.] Mum came & I was only ‘silent’ at home for a little while. Rang Mima – she got back this morning! So mum dropped me round – I have no present for her yet, she didn’t give me anything, anyway. She (nor anyone) seemed not to have put on weight, [I obviously had it in my head that everyone who holidayed overseas should gain weight? I’d made similar comments about Mark upon his return as well…] though her face & hands were much paler. [Uh, der… Europe in Winter; not a lot of sunbaking going on…] She dropped me home after 6.00 & I rang CB. She wasn’t going out, was home on her own & asked if I’d like to come over. I said yes. There, around 8.00, we listened to music & talked & wrote in her Euroka [the Cairns High school magazine/yearbook], after I rang Mark. He seemed O.K. again… again we talked for awhile. I mentioned Cameron visited me, and he thought I meant at CB’s (Ha,ha!) No! Before I left for CB’s! (He’s going Thursday, to the Gold Coast)  A Life in WordsSo we got a delivery pizza & after 11.00, we watched RAGE although CB fell asleep.. I soon did too … kept dozing on & off (mostly off) At 2.30 I woke her (well she kinda woke at the same time I sat up) & we got ready for bed. Then she started talking again..

Saturday 23/1/88

We woke a little after 7.00. I rang mum at 7.35 (sat watching RAGE TOP 50, while CB got ready for work, before mum picked me up) At home, continued watching Rage & Jo rang during INXS “Need You Tonight” A Life in Wordsto say how stunningly similar Mark was to the drummer, Andrew Farriss; [we had previously noticed and marvelled at this apparent coincidence back in August 1987 (see here) whilst attending their ‘Kick’ concert at the showgrounds] we didn’t really have much else to say to each other, otherwise. Watched the last of it (Faith is no# 1 again – yay!) and spent the day listening to music, doing scrapbook but mostly NOTHING. Rang Fiona after 4.00- talked about Mark: then rang CB – she said she’d ring [privacy omission]. I rang Mark after 5.00 & he wasn’t extremely friendly. Said he’d watched videos today – went to Keith’s and they went to Nicole’s. [Privacy omission]. Then he refused my offer of the movies, saying he might go with Keith to the Drive-In. Didn’t invite me [privacy omission] BASTARD. I hung up & tried hardest to ring Fi (engaged for ages) Then I bauled on the phone. She says I should forget him: [privacy omission]. I rang [privacy omission] & she rang Nicole who told her she was going to the Drive In. Great. “Liar”, I thought. I rang him up, using the excuse that [privacy omission] was going to pick up the Trivial Pursuit. He wasn’t going. Oh. So I watched TV & eventually rang him again. This time he was going. HURT. Anyway, he said he’d ring me tomorrow. so we’ll wait & see if he remembers. It’s only 8.35 – there’s nothing on TV tonight – I’m alone. Seems everyone’s out – Mum & Julia at movies with Cynthia, mima, Fi & Sue, Brent etc at the movies, Mark at movies and CB, [privacy omission] etc at 21st party. So I’m going to have an early night – maybe wake later to watch some Rage (on my TV) [Wha…? ‘My’ TV? We must have bought our new little Sony telly so I inherited the old 1970’s Rank Arena set …that still required knob-tuning to change channels, volume, etc!] Mum just rang to say she’s coming soon. I’d like to be asleep by then. A Life in WordsPretty bloody horrible day today, but I might go to the beach tomorrow & definitely to Beach Party Nite at the Playpen at night. Oh, and Mark’s ringing …(?!?)

Sunday 24/1/88

Well, I woke around 8.30 and thought immediately of Mark (of course) Decided to wait to ring Fi and watched cricket, but 9.30 was too late as I found out: she’d just left for mima’s. I waited (must’ve been longer than I thought) to ring mima & there was no answer cricket was off due to rain. I rang again round lunch time, but still no answer. “Great”, I thought. So much for sympathy for Elissa. So I watched TV all day. (yeah, cricket came back on) & was just finishing writing to Gatton about deferment when Mike & Cynthia came. Luckily was not long till [privacy omission] & CB (& Pol & Peter) dropped by & said “we’re going to Crystals”. I grabbed a towel & with a short singlet dress & no shoes, felt like a big dag. Picked up Sharon, then at Crystals walked right up to near the top & eventually only stayed for about ½hr (it was cold). On way home, stopped in.. CB, [privacy omission] & Sharon looked at photo albums & school magazines & my scrapbook while (& after I’d finished) packing. Then we went to withdraw money for Sharon, but she’d left her cashcard at home, so [privacy omission] drew some of hers. FOOD from Kentucky Fried, then muck around back at [privacy omission]‘s. Tasha & Lisa C came up, as well as Matt & Trevor. I rang mum & found out Mark apparently said “Where is she?” and Julia said “I don’t know, but she won’t be coming home tonight.” So. What was I to do? I felt sick thinking about it – CB said yes, [privacy omission] said no – what should I do? I left it too late anyway: We were running late as it was. Got to Double Vision just before 9.00 – Megan was there, but not alone – with Ashley & ..Jo! Yay! But Ashley & Jo went home. At first, Sharon, CB & I went up, but CB & I were rejected. I produced false school I.D. & she just accepted it. CB luckily got in on a change of bouncers. then she & Sharon had a really ‘hot’ cocktail [called a ‘Zombie’ and “hot” in that it was – like the ‘Explosion’s we drank at the House on the Hill nightclub – consumed while alight] & were blown away. Guess who we saw? And who went up to talk to? A Life in Words(CB & Sharon) DANNY ROBERTS! From Sons & Daughters! – Andy Greene!! [Who? Until I found a photo (right) I was coming up blank…] But I stayed with [privacy omission] & Megan cos’ they weren’t ‘chasing’ him [I’ve always despised the ‘groupie’ thing; hanging around people for their fame seemed so shallow to me.] – I got bored instead because they were after this other guy. Remember Tyler N? He was there and god, is he hot?! YUMMY. When it ended (well, you should’ve seen the wet Tshirt competition- this horrid guy was standing near me coaxing me to go in it, saying, “you’ll make a killing. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.” Stupid shit.) [Creep.] We went to a 24hr & [privacy omission] stole 2 blocks of chocolate. I was smoking & spinning out!! CB & Matt (W) had a big chocolate fight & [privacy omission] was not impressed. We dropped Megan home and got ready for bed at [privacy omission]‘s. Then I was writing my diary when CB started reading it, cause she was trying to ignore [privacy omission] – it really scared us for awhile – he was scraping a rake against the windows, then hiding. It’s 2.00 and I’m finally finished! Yay! But I’m not even real tired. Guess I’ll have to ring Mark soon (tomorrow) Mph! God I hate Nicole! [Nah, you’re just intimidated by her.] I guess CB & I’ll be talking for awhile now…. G’nite!

Enter Eighty-Eight: Heaviness, Holes ‘n’ All… (1-3 January)

This year will be a particularly difficult transcription for me, for a number of reasons:

Because I’d decided in ’87 that I needed more room to record, I didn’t buy a day-to-a-page diary. Instead, I started out with a little ring-binder folder (see Tuesday 29 Dec, in the previous post] but as it filled up within the first few months, my 1988 diary ended up scattered throughout various notebooks and writing pads. Thankfully I did collate and transcribe them by hand some years later into a thick A4 spiral-bound notebook (pic below).A Life in Words

Because I wasn’t confined to an allotted space, I wrote more. A LOT more (…and gawd, did I dribble on…) This is painful in itself: it’ll demand more time & effort to publish my weekly posts.

Because of the scattered entries, but also mainly because of my particularly frenetic social life, some entries (days) were lost as a result. I’m fairly certain this is the only year that has ‘holes’ in it. This would be one of the main reasons I reverted back to ‘day-to-a-page’ diaries ever after. The limited space also encouraged me to continue my routine: an open book (unlimited space) is quite intimidating and feels like a lot more work… )

And finally, to be totally honest, I just didn’t like 1988. I can’t really explain why: maybe it was simply the Real World, the literal end of childhood. I was now facing Real Life and Responsibility. It wasn’t an easy year for me; the whole world as I knew it fell away beneath my feet. I somehow found it traumatic, but in an entirely different way to the bus accident: it was more personal. There was no extraordinary tragedy/ies to which I could ascribe my feelings, my actions and reactions: this was me drowning (as it felt) in the face of ordinary, everyday life experiences.

Friday 1/1/88

Well at midnight it was hug like crazy. I hugged so many people and got some kisses too. I’m sure I could’ve kissed Philip (N) had I not pulled away in the first place. [There’s that inherent shyness that most people can’t see in me…] I was so hurt when I saw [privacy omission] and Jim … they went all the way. I really wished Mark was there then, but was O.K. Soon after, though, Megan Sharon & I left: got a taxi to the Hill. Wasn’t too bad in there, but all the sleazes were left. […as they always are….] I was in a real mood.. not really happy (very tired) and thinking one hell of  a lot about Mark. God I wish he was here. So much. Well in Smithy’s we sat (after Sharon & Megan “exploding”) [that is, after they each downed the particular cocktail we all favoured for intoxication purposes- aptly named ‘Explosion’. For those who missed the description previously, it was a glassful of straight spirits, set alight and consumed through a straw…] & I was real bored- that Darren S guy came up beforehand and was saying how he’d wanted to see me again after that night (I was so nonchalant) (almost bitchy) […yes, well, clearly not interested…] It was really boring (CB & I were dead tired Sharon annoying me so much ..getting shitty ‘cos I “wasn’t getting into it”. Anyway we left around 3:30, with [privacy omission]. Dropped Sharon home, then to a 24hr [service station …”servo” as we called them] Megan & [privacy omission] got food – CB & I nearly bombed [fell asleep] in the back of the car (talking a lot about [privacy omission] tonight she had Shane McM; bitch) so then [privacy omission] took us to Megan’s where we sat and talked for a while in the car. Finally they left (CB & privacy omission]) and Megan & I prepared for bed. A Life in WordsAfter reading Mark’s letter, it was about 5:30 and daylight was breaking. I woke a few times, but got out of bed at, get this: 1:00pm! Megan & I had food, a swim, food then mum got me (about 4:00) We talked a lot in between. I’m still worried about what to do this year. What will I do?? SHIT!! So I watched TV all afternoon. Mrs H came past (walking the dog, Gemma) and stopped to talk… all about careers & life after school. Megan forgot to ring me tonight ([privacy omission] did this arvy- she knew I was shitty with her about Jim) Just watched the 4hr AUSTRALIA LIVE show (bicentennial thingy) was quite good! Some things were really funny! Now I’m going to watch DR. ZHIVAGO while everyone else bombs A Life in Words(I probly will too) Have so much to do: get Mark a present, send him a telegram, [Ha, seriously? For anyone under the age of thirty, imagine going to an office in town to pay someone to send a text message for you. That’s pretty much what a telegram was…or IS if they even still exist?] decide about my QTAC, get Mark’s family a prezzy, clean my room, etc, etc, etc! …Ugh! Well Goodnight. First goodnight of 1988!!

Saturday 2/1/88

Well, I got to bed around 2:15 last night after Dr. Zhivago (which I really loved) deciding that Rage wasn’t worthwhile watching. I woke, god knows, to answer the phone (Joannah: [privacy omission]) around perhaps 10:30(??) I spent the day, well, most of it, cutting up magazine pictures (watching cricket) and was still doing that when Mike & Cynthia and Dougie, Thomas and couz Kylie & her best friend Nonie, arrived. I felt unsociable because of it, but I tried. Could tell they were bored. Sharon rang in the meantime & invited me to Green Is. tomorrow I said I’d ring her back. So I finished cutting pictures and cleaning out more drawers (and “regions”) of my bedroom. Taylors & Co and Sharon rang – I said yes. A Life in WordsTonight I have a rather large mess on my bedroom floor. It’s 9:30 or so and I don’t care if that’s the way it stays. […which is impressive considering how neat and organised I am – verging on OCD…] I need an early night. Gotta be up early tomorrow. God I’m missing Mark! Only 3 days left! Catching up my ’87 HW diary this arvy too – that took up time & space. [And was it really so important? No!] I have so much to do!!

Sunday 3/1/88

Mum woke me I don’t know when because I was tired and hadn’t finished my dream, but I got up at 7:38 anyway. Had breakfast, waxed armpits (!!) then rushed around trying to figure out what to take (& wear). Had nothing in the fridge I could take to eat, neither did we have any suntan lotion (only 15+ sunblock – so I took that) Got there just a little late (Sharon said she was beginning to worry→ panic) Bought tickets & boarded. Packed boat→ had to share our seat. Once there (long boring trip) found ourselves an area, swam then baked. A trip to the kiosk (and back for a swim & a bake again) revealed… NO spunks (unattached ones, that is) How depressing! So after another trip (to get lunch) then another bake (I felt I was getting burnt) we went, got a loaf of bread and Sharon fed the fish. She borrowed snorkels and goggles from this man and occupied herself . I sat, staring into the water, watching that man’s [the snorkel-and-goggles man’s] lady (wife!) having heaps of trouble in a canoe when I realised this most gorgeous guy (worked at the island) was sitting close by… laughing now & then. He made some comments and I laughed. A Life in WordsGod he was cute! Grant Kenny lookalike! [Grant Kenny (see right) was an Australian Ironman champion in the early 80’s] I said after awhile (Sharon had come up) “where’s the lady in the canoe?” and we laughed again (Uh, yummy!) So Sharon & I hung around, then went for our last quick dip (having gone back, gotten our gear, and placed it on our boat) Got on, then went off again to get food at the kiosk & on again & there he was! We went up to ask one guy some silly question just so we could perve. [Ha, teenaged girls…] Trip home seemed faster. God my legs are so burnt: so’s my stomach & lower back ..mph! Pain! Walked up to the Hostel, I rang mum & Sharon caught a Hayles bus home. [Hayles Pty Ltd was the company that ran the vessels to the islands at that time, and they naturally (a tourism essential) provided courtesy buses so she snagged a free ride home since one of their routes passed close by. Unfortunately, they didn’t ‘service’ my part of town.] Did nothing at home except worry about the amount of things I have to do tomorrow. Presents + telegram for Mark… clean room, go through QTAC forms. Oh dear! Watching cricket now – it’s depressing cause we are losing (again?!) [maybe that’s one of the reasons I’ve ended up with an aversion to watching it now?] and it’s about 10:00. So I might go to bed, now. Beautiful weather today. We were going to go to beach night but decided we were too exhausted. I’M BURN’T!! [I have no idea why I threw an apostrophe in that word. I did know better… sunstroke, maybe?]

Tertiary Ed Enquiries, Hurt Feelings & Tears for Nana (3-9 August)

Monday 3/8/87

O.K. day. Couldn’t concentrate, though – still in great spirits from the weekend… so excited. Wish we could have it all over again. Rushed a shitty english assignment tonight. Really stupid. I hate it. Will have to read over & fix up (a lot) tomorrow A Life in WordsMark flicking me with rope & being a nusance (??) […I wasn’t sure I’d spelled nuisance correctly…] He rang me this arvy, cause he thought I’d be sooky. What a joker. Sometimes they really get to me, though. Getting hot again- too early. Had no fucking winter at all- piss me off. [Not these days, it wouldn’t…] Saw a few photos today; none of our group, though. Can’t wait till they’re all done. Ate a lot of shit food this arvy. Unnecessary. It’s 10:44 : I shouldn’t be having such a late night. Wanna sleep in, but probably won’t be able to. SCHOOL’S SO BORING.

Tuesday 4/8/87

I got rather upset today at lunchtime. In fact I was (felt) nearly ready to break up with him (but I knew I wouldn’t, couldn’t) [of course not…] His jokes go too far. It’s not fair, I feel as if I’m doing all the giving; he’s taking. It’s just as well I’m so goddammed patient & forgiving (I love him too much) [Needy? Possessive?] I hate his pride; his self esteem. I feel I’m competing with it all the time. What really hurt was when he got out his NIKKO pen and scribbled out (on his port) my name: “Elissa loves me” & wrote “sux”. A Life in WordsTHAT HURTS MORE THAN I CAN SAY I hope you’re reading this. [!!!] I hope I will get through to you one day about just how gentle you need to be with me. Be thankful I have little pride, [oh dear] & lots of patience.. DON’T TAKE ME FOR GRANTED. [It’s incredible how completely your perspectives can change over time.] I had dance practise at Smithfield High tonite. Boring. The dances are silly- I don’t like them. I’m much more at home with CHS & those dance pracs. we had. [I developed an intense ‘loyalty’ to Cairns High …or should I say, bias?] Got my english done. No other HW, tho’. Mark asked me if I’d like to watch them play Americans [in baseball, I assume] Friday Arvy. Wonder if he still does? (Seeing as I suck) [ouch!] So tired. So bored.

Wednesday 5/8/87

Yet again: another late night. (10:30) I am so tired. I can never seem to get any HW done, either. Better mood today.. I said hi to him (thought “uh-oh”) […expecting no, or worse a negative, reaction] but he turned & smiled! (kind of). Not so joking in biol., then big lunch was really good. I was in a crazy (laughing) mood & we got on v. well. I think he was even affectionate, in a way!!! [Yo-yo relationship much?] Then Cameron, no, Brent doubled me to the North Cairns Reserve … caught up with Fi, Anna, Danäe, Juliet, Colleen & Jude. No one was there for soccer [I’m assuming this was my recreation choice for this semester]: a lady came  & told us that for this day it was at Endeavor Park.Days of our Lives We were too lazy to walk there (too far!) So went to Jude’s & watched Days of our Lives. Linda got photos developed – I’d like some of them. Warm weather. SHIT. Dance practise boring. (Jason P was there: he took me home this arvy) God I’m tired. Must do some work soon. Mark (& the boys) are going out Sat. night. I want to go to Croc Rock after the [Smithfield] formal, but no one else seems to want to. Even if she [who?] did & wanted after to go to the party.. [Wha..?] Mark’d probly not want me to hang around the guys. “BOYS NIGHT” I guess. [Well that was one confusing little sentence there. I obviously had one particular girlfriend in mind, whom I (failed to name, and) was hoping might accompany me after the formal to the night club and/or party …even though my ultimate aim was to locate my boyfriend… whom I then presumed most likely wouldn’t want me there?!]

Thursday 6/8/87

Well, he wasn’t quite “affectionate” today: I was the one who did all the “first moves” They’re (the boys) are going out Saturday night (boy’s night (!!)) We didn’t talk very much, but got on …O.K. when we did. So cool tonite (expected min. 15) I was quite cold at times today – a cold (cool) wind blowing. My appointment (with mima) with Ms Forbes this afternoon was very long, but I’ve sorted out basically what courses I’m looking at, and what uni’s & colleges I’ll attend. [You mean, you’ll “apply for”… not very many walk straight into their ideal course…] (No HW tonite) Finished my formal film today, at lunchtime A Life in Words[to explain to the youth again: when we took photos (with actual cameras, not phones) back in the day, we had to put a little canister inside the camera, which contained only enough film for a certain number of photos. I’d clearly not used up my reel’s quota at the formal so brought my camera to school and took random shots on this day in order to ‘finish the film’] – can’t wait for it to be developed + the professional photos are done: they’re excellent, but so expensive. Bored out of my wits in art all day. Is 9:40.. earlier than usual tonite! Nice & cool (cold) My feet are cold! Mark & I should do something together tomorrow night, if he wishes. (Hope so) [Oh good god; if that doesn’t scream ‘subservience’ I don’t know what does…]

Friday 7/8/87

*Took first pill tonight. Today was a fairly good day. Got to school a bit late … double english was a bludge – still watching Macbeth video: went to see Ms. Forbes, but mima and I spent our whole time (3rd period) sorting out differences in courses offered last year & this year. BORING. NO, interesting really. Am tired now. How will I last tomorrow night? [Did I actually mean, would I stay awake? Or was I referring to ‘surviving’ the formal it appeared I wasn’t keen on attending?] Double art talked all about the crash. Am getting $52 worth of those professional photos (that’s only 14 – RIP OFF!) [Approximately $3.72 per photo.. hmm, I can’t imagine professional photos would be that cheap nowadays?] Speaking of which, my formal photos are pretty good! “Bludge” day. Fire alarm during last period (chem.) after school, Jason took us to Rugby Union match.. CHS: Cameron, Chris & Glyn (etc) playing Brothers (Saints) Lo & behold P, N, I went [over the moon]!! A Life in Words[I’d thrown a little ‘cryptic’ illustration in (see pic) instead of blatantly writing the ‘incriminatory’ words. Incriminatory because …how could I be attracted to anyone else when I already had a boyfriend?] When I got home, rang Mark – but he rang back when he got home! I went to his house around 7:15. We did nothing really .. went for a drive with Sandra & her friend (forgot her name) to pick Paul up from work. After we lazed round in his room.. then about an hour before I left, around 12:30 we ….. we amused ourselves doing …well… GUESS→special significance→* [Alrighty then! Even though I know most of you would have put two and two together I decided, since a picture speaks a thousand words, to include one from my diary for, you know, even more clarity. A Life in WordsYou see, I often wrote more than the lines on the page would allow so I’d return to the top margin of the page to continue the entry (if need be). So you can now comprehend the role of those punctuative arrows above.] Am so tired- is 1:30 & is raining. Tomorrow nite (after the formal) should be ACE

Saturday 8/8/87

A Life in Words

Part of the now quite weathered clipping that appeared in the Cairns Post in the following week

Spent the day doing nothing: we fixed my black dress with the turtleneck (my CAD exhibition one) up for the formal (well, mum did, with Mrs B’s help, when she & Jemima came to visit: I had very little to do with it) [honesty!] Did run late: Gordon came & I was still finishing make-up. Forgot the pill ..2nd night & I forgot, so, after picking up Justine & Jason (& getting photos done – we’ll be in the paper!) we were running late when we went back to my place so I could take it. [Oh really? What would I have said, I wonder? “Hey guys I forgot to take my contraceptive pill, can we please go back for that? It’s really important because I’ve only just started taking it” …just doesn’t seem like something I’d say.] At the formal, it was a bit boring at first, but ended up like a dance at the end (that Allen guy is really nice!!) Around 1:30 Jason took me to this guy’s place [?] and he “escorted” me in.. […to the ‘guy’s place? No, it turns out I’ve written another confusing sentence: it appears we dropped by some guy’s place then went to the House on the Hill (Crocodile Rock) where Jason ‘escorted’ me in…] Guess what? I should’ve expected it ..they weren’t there : none of the guys.. [nor] Joannah or Sharon. Only Colleen and Anna. They said they’d come back soon, cos’ they had to pick them up (they went to the party) But we danced till 3:00→ a whole hour & they never came. So 3:15 I got Jay to take me to the party: and, you guessed it, they’d already left there. I was so upset & pissed off. How could they [next page…]

Sunday 9/8/87

→do this? Especially Joannah (& Sharon & Jude) cos’ she said she would meet me there: we arranged it. And she went back on her word. So Jay took me home & I went to sleep around 4:30. Woke this morning to the fucking phone : Mum was in the shower, so I had to answer it. I’m so tired. And feel .. well, I can’t describe it. I am v. pissed off but I know I won’t be able to get mad with anyone I haven’t the courage. I shouldn’t feel this, but I’m upset about it : esp. thinking about Mark. Fuck it. I’m so angry. WHY couldn’t they have waited ½hr till I got there; then left with me SHIT. Keith rang me today: I missed them by only minutes at the party: I found out when Jo rang tonight that Mark spent nearly all the time talking to Angie (M) and he rang after that to tell me they were just talking. It felt so good: I felt so much better hearing it. from him. I wish I could let him know that I like him to tell me.. That I believe his word. That is trust. (Part of it anyway – a big part – I’m trusting him to tell the truth.) Bludged today – did nothing constructive Saw Nana from 2:15-3:30. I cried. She’s going around the bend. Physically, she’s in great pain (on morpheine) & a vegetable mentally (due to morpheine, brandy (for the pain) and lack of oxygen) A Life in WordsShe is delirious & doesn’t know anything.. moans, mumbles & groans continuously. [This visit was more heartbreaking for me than when she actually passed: I remember clearly being so upset I had to go outside and one of the nurses comforted me. I’m not sure about the brandy but she was definitely high on morphine. Her drug-induced dementia really upset me the most: she couldn’t recognise me let alone hold a conversation. To this day I would say that my pain was primarily fuelled by my desire to express my love (and say my goodbyes) to her, to have them acknowledged and returned…]