The Bath Breakdown & A Thunderstorm Shock (2-8 March)

Monday 2/3/87A Life in Words

I AM HOME. It’s not quite as different as I thought it’d be. . . [a great example of the Mind’s potential to create “a mountain out of a molehill”…] but I don’t think I’ve had enough time to think about things etc. I was ‘lucky’ (in a way) to be allowed to come home- I’m not allowed to go anywhere.. I can walk on the crutches for 1 hour per day – the other 23 I have to spend with my leg “up”, relaxing. Great, huh?! Mark didn’t ring – I thought perhaps he might .. But, no. My leg gets funny feelings through it – some painful, some not. I had a shower this arvy (at hospital) – Went home around 3:15 – got home 3:30. Lots of visitors – Fishers, Mandy, mima & family & fi. Oh, now to sleep. I wish I’d seen or heard from Mark- I hope I get some mail from him or something… a letter I’d really like. Oh well. Next monday 1:30→ take off dressing! Until then – boredom at home (?!???!!) Rather ‘doubted’ leaving this morning but Kerri [the social worker whom I had adopted as my counsellor] “helped” me change my mind. Brewers gave us their video & TV. UNREAL!!

Tuesday 3/3/87

In the shower tonight –  I really cried. I think that was my “breakdown” or, maybe the start of it. [I’m a tad confused: I vividly remember suffering a breakdown (a crying ‘tantrum’) but my memory places me in the bath – not the shower – looking down at, and bawling over, my ugly, deformed, scarred thigh (and all the death wishes that went with it)… but I just mentioned that my dressing wasn’t being removed (by the hospital doctor/s) for another week yet. Hmmm. Strange.] Boring-ish day. A Life in WordsSpent my morning hours (alone- mum at work) doing thank-you letters. [It was an etiquette our mother – via our grandmother – had instilled in us] When mum came home, we watched Norman Gunston tapes (on video) – Brewers gave their video to us, with a TV!! Julia came home & the Brewers- Mrs B. Polly & mima and fi came over. Watched Zapped on video. TV watching tonight. Toilet’s easy to go to Mrs McI also came over- Donald [her son] is so tall & skinny (& cute!) [Just to clarify, he was a child so this ‘cute’ definitely did not relate to physical attraction…] No letter, phone call (let alone a visit) from Mark. Hope he does get in (some form of) contact must go to the loo again. Rather warm day, rain & thunderstorm tonight. More visitors (& boring hrs) tomorrow? . . . Who knows. Slept alright last night. . hope so again 2nite.

Wednesday 4/3/87

Got a little upset in the shower again tonight but nowhere (I think) near as bad as last night. Delanie rang!! [Privacy omission] Short talk – she said she’d ring back in a couple of weeks (when I’m able to walk, I gather)→ when I’m back at school. Got a (monstrous) letter from Tania & (small one) Mrs M. Wrote to Tania 10 pages! Watched “Lampoon’s VACATION” on video today & “YOUNG ONES” & “D Generation”. A Life in WordsBig sore zit near my right eye. Jacque also rang – big thunder storm – had to hang up – I saw a spark & heard a “pop” on the line. [That gave me a bit of a fright… our parents had warned us about using the phone during thunderstorms: the danger of receiving an electric shock. Turns out it’s definitely not an Old Wives Tale either: the Mythbusters have tested it (see here) so I guess I was “very lucky” this time…] Oh, wish Mark’d call … or come over. (at least write a letter) Missing him already. Damn it. Hope I can save heaps of money (or win the lotto) so I can go to USA with Mark next year (if he wants me to) – HOPE SO! HOT!

Thursday 5/3/87

Mark rang this arvy – we had a long phone call .. about 1½-2hrs (??) at least (??) NO! about 1 hr at the least. And it started off usual ‘bickering’ but then a kind of “arguement” or disagreement – all about my trusting him & mainly, my ‘attitudes’. [Doesn’t it take two to Tango?] But it ended not so bad. Also, Crabbe rang. Good old talk to him Too (Fi came over this arvy – stayed for quite awhile) Delanie’s coming over Saturday, but so’s Mark. Oh! Boring day today. Watched music video. I missed the Last Starfighter cos’ I was talking to Mark. Another big thunderstorm. Mum was worried – see yesterday, on the phone to Jacque during a storm, I heard a “pop” on the line & it scared me to death- you’re not s’posed to be on the phone during a storm – could get electrocuted – [Uh-huh. So why did you repeat the experiment? I clearly wasn’t frightened enough by yesterday’s experience?] But it was alright – storm went away quickly. I do trust him now. I believe everything he tells me- it’s the truth. A Life in Words[Right. That sounds suspiciously like someone trying to convince herself…] I weighed myself. GUESS WHAT? 55KG WOW! I’m 55kg! shower wasn’t so bad 2nite. talked to Mark about the crash also. He doesn’t really like talking about it.

Friday 6/3/87

Fi came down again this arvy. I also saw Sandra H. I’m busting to go to the loo now! Guess what? Ngaire R is having a party tomorrow night &  it seems everybody’s going. NOT FAIR. Couldn’t they put it off one week? [Sure, JUST for YOU… I so hated “missing out” on things…] Not fair. (Still, I guess I’d look funny turning up to a party on crutches.) [People have turned up to parties looking a lot worse, I’m sure…] Did “nothing” again today (Mrs McI came down- got my [Speech & Drama] certificate – grade 5) besides watch 2 videos. In the morning, I read memorial programmes and had a little crying session over Monique. I even had a little talk to her. I feel guilty that I only think about Monique. [Compassionate to a fault? Am I really beating myself up for loving and missing one soul more than the other seven I didn’t have as strong a connection with? Apart from being too hard on myself it also demonstrates – on the upside – how ‘evenly’ I value all life…] She’s the one I ‘miss’ the most – the only one I think of & really cry over. [I think it’s excusable, Liss] I thought Mrs McI was her mum, this morning (similar car) Had a heart attack! Watched TV movie. Silly. No thunderstorm today. Fi said Mark said he’s playing golf with the other guys 2morrow & coming over sunday instead. No phone call from Mark. Fi said he said he doesn’t know if he’ll go to the party- but thinks yes maybe. Wonder if he will – if so, what he’ll do?

Saturday 7/3/87

Boring! Nah! Justine F & Mr Paddy & Lainie & Leah (& Deborah & Mrs C. later) and Michael B & Amanda (staying the night) & mima & Mrs B. & Dad & Jenny. That’s about it (cherie for a few minutes, too!) for today. (I heard Mark got 4th (out of 4 people) in golf today! Cameron 1st, Glyn 2nd, Steven 3rd & him last!) Wonder if he’s at Ngairie’s party – it’s gonna be so BIG. BITCH that I can’t go. Bloody pain in the tit. [..as opposed to arse. I think ‘tit’ was my mum’s preferred word because it wasn’t as ‘crass’.] I think there’s some ‘discharge’ where the skin was taken from – it’s “weeping”. We rang hospital – said no worries – Dad’n’Jenny said not to worry too. Oh dear. A Life in WordsWasn’t noticeably too hot today. Bloody mozzies. Watched Zapped, Last Starfighter – Young Ones tape (½) & ½ of Singing in the Rain. Also, Robinsons gave us their VHS so we went (well, mum jules & Amanda went) & got out SPIES LIKE US. God, it’s good! One & ½ more days to go!! Yay!!

 Sunday 8/3/87

Mark came around 2:30 and (I didn’t think he was coming) left around 5:45. I think he was bored lots of the time – he did go to the party – left at 1:30, went home. The ambulance man came this arvy, while he was here & we were talking about our position on the bus- I know where we ended up now. [Partly helping to clear up the confusion I experienced while pinned under the bus, looking out a hole in the ‘undercarriage’ wondering how the trees I could see were still standing. I was completely disoriented. If you (somehow) missed it, this link will take you back to the full horrific tale on 4 February.] Mrs Strooper came this morning – talked pretty well! [This was the second time Erica’s mother had visited me; the first was while I was in hospital, and it hadn’t been a joyful meeting (possibly why I didn’t record it in my diary). She was naturally very distressed, her grief was so fresh; she needed answers. All I remember was her asking me lots of questions that started with “why?” …but they were unanswerable. Like, “why did Erica get on that bus?” Understandably, the encounter was very uncomfortable: apart from the natural compassion for her incredible suffering, I felt useless and depressed by my inability to answer her: I was too young and inexperienced to know that I wasn’t ‘responsible’ ..to supply the answers, that is.] (She gave me about 5 photos – most of myself – a ‘big’ one of Monique & Erica (really beautiful) & a beautiful (although blurred) photo of the 5 of us. Really nice. Mark was being rather (concealed) nice ‘fore he left… still no kiss. I think we both feel ‘afraid’ again. I dunno. Watched videos all day. Boring for Mark, I’m sure. I felt terrible (even when the ambulance man was here, talking ’bout the crash) Cameron & Glyn came in for a few secs before mark left. No conversation really. A little hot 2day Slept terribly last night – so restless. Hope it’s better tonight. Hospital tomorrow!!!

A Life in Words

This was the large photo of Monique & Erica that Erica’s mother gave to me. Such beautiful girls xx

Radio Tunes, Self Talk & A Freaky Incident with My Best Friend (10-16 November)

Monday 10/11/86

I didn’t talk to him; ignored him as much as possible. What am I going to do? Everybody knows I like him – I have to get to be friends ..then – hope. NO! You don’t need him! You can have Phillip C. THAT’S YUMMY! And he likes you. He’s nuts about you!! He wouldn’t hurt you! Mark is missing out. He hasn’t realised yet that I’m the best thing that’s happened to him… I’m perfect for him ..but it’s his loss if he can’t realise it… I’ll be loved by others. And I’ll love them. He can suck! I’ll be his friend (Cameron’s my best tho’) [Well, if that wasn’t a rant and a half. Backflips, assumptions, predictions and precocious self-talk. Ah, the mental dialogue…] My work is getting ahead of me – I’m in trouble! (Art, especially.) Must try harder. Missed aerobics cos of work Did rather little, too! Listening to the radio – play all the good songs at night Yo! ho! ho! [←?? excited much?]  I had 2 pieces apple pie + lotsa chips today! UMAH!!! Is almost 9:00 Nite!!

Tuesday 11/11/86A Life in Words

It’s about 10:50. A special ‘Beatle’s ‘documentary’ just finished. Their ending (split) was so depressing But I love (most) the music. [So did my bestie, Monique. It’s another one of the things that I felt defined her… or defined her to me at least] Today I kept ignoring Mr. Up Himself. Also realised how much strife I’m in, concerning work: especially art. [Really? You’re only realising now? Are you sure? Coz I’ve heard this a number of times before…] (my studies are not progressing either) but mainly my art – have to know what I’m handing in for the exhibition by this Friday. [I came to realise that I only perform under pressure. This leaving-everything-to-the-last-minute only gets worse…] Oh well. Boring school is. It’s going too fast. Cameron was away today. No one (barely) I knew went to the BBQ (for year 11) this arvy. I didn’t! I think Mark did but who cares? I certainly don’t! I need someone to fall in love with – someone who’ll fall in love with me, too. Keep lookin’ Liss! You’ll get there!! God I’m tired!! Broke diet again – 2 extra pieces of bread + cuppa tea + extra pita bread UMAH

A Life in Words

My Bestie, Monique x

Wednesday 12/11/86

It’s about 9:30 (I got a letter from Delanie today and wrote a 15 page one back!!) I’ve decided I feel differently towards Cameron. Was thinking about it in chemistry – thinking about when I held his hand at the party [?! I don’t remember that!] – listening to his voice at the same time. YUM. Then in 4th period art, in the storeroom I was thinking whether I should tell Monique or not. When I came out, she said “Do you ever feel like telling your best friend something but don’t want to?” I said “yeah, I just was!” Outside, I knew she was thinking about guys. She came out with “I think I like Cameron!” I couldn’t believe the coincidence!! She told me she was also thinking about him in period 1!! Coincidences! Something more than that!! It was so freaky – same thing, same time, same thoughts!! UNBELIEVABLE!! [I love this: our ‘connection’ totally swamped any sense of competition with regard to Cameron. Our friendship was clearly of much more significance to the both of us than a boy.] Failed my speech exam not doing it anymore. Did no HW (study) again but worked out art.

Thursday 13/11/86

I got news today. I am very confused. Talking to Duane in biology – he said Mark (still) likes me a lot. I couldn’t believe him – rolled my eyes. He said ‘true!’.etc. I don’t know what to think anymore. He is so thick (Mark.) […OR “he’s just not that into you”? I mean, if he was Liss, he wouldn’t keep hooking up with other girls at all the parties, right? Oh dear.] I know I do really like him still, but my fondness for Cameron has grown too. And Monique likes him. What’s going to happen? I am so confused- I really don’t know what to do or think. My schoolwork is going terribly, too. My art – ugh! And no use thinking about maths & chem. really stuffed up there. Mima told me yesterday at speech that Chris K likes me, too. [I’d nominated him as one of my other best male friends at the party last week] I am so confused! It’s 9:45. Hot. Duane kept talking to me after bio too (I was late for art). He even told Mark the other day how thick he was. Mark reckoned “why am I always the last to find out?” (Concerning me at the party – everyone ‘knew’ I was upset about Mark. I couldn’t believe it – he’s thick!!

Friday 14/11/86

It’s so damn hot! 10:20. I’m still boiling!! Contemplated ringing Mark this arvy – couldn’t think of a good enough excuse – bio exam? (gam on!) Sally’s party? (gammon!) or even apology for ignoring him this week. (Ha Ha Ha!!)A Life in Words I think I’ll get my art done this weekend. Have heaps of paper & pastels. But must also study lots. Esp. maths & chem. esp!! So hot. I can’t believe it .. 35º – I’m not used to summer yet. [Technically it wasn’t summer yet anyway: December marks the beginning of Summer in the Southern Hemisphere] SHIT I’m boiling!! Might take the fan in my bedroom. Kiss. I wish I could kiss someone (who?) I feel like having a beautiful big kiss. Listening to radio lots – great songs at night. [Less TV has gotta be a good thing] Whew! Ragey holidays! Don’t wanna do exams. Yukky Oh well! Gotta do well. What a lot of babbling: Ha! Ha!

Saturday 15/11/86

It’s about 9:10. Just come home from Pizza Hut – yes, I know; I really bombed my diet tonight! Garlic bread, cola, orange juice drink, pizza & worst of all, CHOCOLATE MOUSSE! (Was very rich & I didn’t feel too well for a little while!!) [I don’t know that Chocolate Mousse would have been the worst thing, actually. I think it’s on a par with the drinks…] Am so tired now. Today? Well I did more bio revision. Got fixative [an art product: aerosol spray that ‘fixes’ pastel work on paper] this morning. Have 6 no 5, art pieces left to do. When? Must do chem, at least, tomorrow. Really was hot today – felt as bad as yesterday, but only got to 32ºC, yesterday 35ºC. Tonight is cooler (just) tho!!! Tired – all I can think about! (must put headphones on – “party night” tonight Play all good songs!) Been listening to the radio lots more now. [You have said that. Numerous times.] Excellent at night – play lotsa great music. esp. tonight. Work hard tomorrow Liss. And mend your diet!! Thinking about Mark. I do still like him deep down. [of course you do…] I’m just extremely fond of Cameron.

Sunday 16/11/86

A Life in WordsSo damned hot! Lucy rang tonight! God I’m hot! We talked – I told her my ‘love life’ in very small detail Julia came in my bed last night to share the fan. [Wow, I didn’t realise we were that poor that we couldn’t afford a fan each. I thought we had ceiling fans anyway…despite not having ceilings! We had moved into the unfinished house as soon as it was liveable and mum was going to get things completed along the way, whenever she could scrape the cash together. She did it tough, but rarely complained.] I finally got rid of her. I woke up every time I had to move – so squishy. Anyway, we weren’t on the phone long. She wants me to write a letter before she goes on holidays→ that means no later than next weekend. God I only finished (hastily) my bio study today. Didn’t even start chemistry. Shit & I got no art done on the weekend. (Well, very little) Do chem all tomorrow and art all wednesday – no! Must do maths then! God I’m in trouble!! I’m still unsure about love life, too. [You don’t say? Flip-flop, flip-flop…] I know I think Mark is what I want – Cameron I love. But only as a friend. a really good friend – but my mind keeps changing. If I say only one thing, I know I’m still attracted to Mark a little, at least. I still like to be where he is. It’s 8:50.

Phonetics, Failing & Films (15-21 September)

Monday 15/9/86

Did no HW (then again, all I had was english) But I had heaps of that – my 3 assignments. Mum’s getting cranky (“worried”) about my getting behind in assignment work. Boring day. Lotsa people away on Geography excursion. Found out through Mark F (what I thought I already knew) that Lynette C was with Mark at the dance (like Tricia (I think)) why can’t he fall hopelessly head over heels in love with me? [oh, the blindness!] Did chem prac with (Tanja &) Cameron today. Was funny. He’s nice! [Back in the good books again? Only a few weeks ago he was the biggest snob ever.] During 3rd period art, Sandie & I walked to A block & got food from Monique’s (& everyone else’s) exams. [Home Economics, I assume] Yukky mousse type stuff – yummy cream & strawberries tho & veggies; A Life in Wordsbroccoli, beans & carrots (cold but yummy) then walked up town for our art workshop, during 4th period. Looked in Sportsgirl (& around) for togs – Monique tried on a few pairs…. workshop at 12:30. Got back to school just before 6th period. Whew! Watched video in english. Don’t think Mark’s going out with Nicole anymore

Tuesday 16/9/86

Mima & I restablished ‘relations’ thru phonetics notes to each other today..[Phonetics was a part of our Speech (& Drama) curriculum, dealing with the written (symbols) aspect of linguistics: helpful in mastering pronunciation. The note writing served a dual purpose: practice (study) and secrecy in that no one else would have easily understood the symbols.] lately, she’s had heapsa problems & hasn’t been talking much to me (her & Fi always together) Otherwise, I hurt around Mark: not believing he doesn’t like me. I always think how great it’d be if I could talk to him about love & explain (subtley) how much of a bastard (user) he is – why he should stop it . . ha ha ha – typical Taurus is stubborn; won’t listen to a word I say. [Phew! It’s good to know that I was intrinsically aware that lecturing would be a waste of time. It’s all a fantasy.] periods give me the shits. Didn’t ride. Had a mini test in Biology. I got 29/32!! Great huh?!! Am tired – is 10:25 Plan to spend as much of holidays on the beach (or in the sun) as possible wanna tan & blonder hair!! + I just love the beach!! A Life in Words[Yep, sun-worshipper I was. And I got that from my mum. Luckily I also got her olive skin. The coconut aroma of “Reef deep tanning oil” brings back memories. Nothing like a good old basting!] Schoolwork . . . blech! I’m still so behind in everything – am giving up … losing my will to carry things out.. Lacking initiative & interest in my work. Cos Mark – I wish so much with all my heart that he loved me with all his. [Oh. Dear.]

Wednesday 17/9/86

I’m not going to school tomorrow. I have  my speech exam. I am going to fail it. I know just about nothing!! Wow!! But my exam is at 2:00 in the afternoon so I can study all morning. I have to. Mark doesn’t like me. I know this but I still get my hopes up now & then. Nicole this arvy as I was walking up to the bus stop smiled at me. I smiled back – I’ll bet she was being ‘snide’ or something [assumptions, assumptions…]…I  smiled being (or more trying to look) friendly. Oh well. I’ll just have to wait till Mr Right comes along. Forgotten (almost completely) about Phillip. That’s not the one. [You didn’t even give it a chance, Elissa!] Oh, why me? Why did I miss my big chance? [Er… I think I missed it too?] I wish I could wind the clock back 2 terms. Everything would be ace. I think. [Uncertainty springing up from some well of ‘Knowledge’ or ‘Awareness’ existing deep, deep within?] Did no HW again. Am so slack its unbelievable. Is 9:00. Fi felt very ill today but stayed at school. Mima told me at speech that she rang Brent & he still loves her!! Now they just have to sort out Steven & Erica. Great huh? Mima’s probs are coming to an end… I’m sure. mine, well y’know . . I’m not elissa without (boy) problems!! [Not 12 months ago you didn’t have ANY boy problems. And THAT was a problem in its own right then. Wow, never satisfied?]

A Life in Words

some of my Speech exam study notes

Thursday 18/9/86

Well, there’s no way I’d have passed unless the examiner is an easy marker or I fluked the answers. I may as well study for repeating the exam next April. I wrote out all (what I thought was all) the information I needed to learn – that took me all morning so I practically had to go straight after I’d finished it – no time to study it We left at about 1:20. (mima had come round at about 10:30) after the exam Mrs b picked us up – we went to gordonvale to seigi s’s place. Had to wait in the car. [No one was there yet] Renade came home, we went inside then Mrs S, then Polly & Seigi from their camp. Mrs S & Mrs B talked for ages. Finally we went home. I watched TV all night; didn’t do any english assignment(s) hope Mr G. doesn’t make me come in at lunchtime – I’m wagging it & 6th & 7th going to movies Fun tomorrow! [Last day of 3rd term of school] Hopefully!! Better go to sleep. Is 9:40. I’m still missing somebody.

Friday 19/9/86

I got on the bus & (it was empty) Fi was wearing shorts & shirt. At school mima was free-dressed too – so were a few other people – I felt really silly & didn’t think I’d get into the movies dressed as I was so Mima said I could ring polly & tell her to bring some shorts or something (cos she was coming late [to school] about (9:00) I went to art (skipped bio & double english) & Monique did too (so did lots of others) we finished our banners. . . Mrs p came and took her (& my) school bag & monique got a change of clothes. (I put on mima’s denim shorts which Polly dropped to mima who dropped them into me) then Monique & I walked uptown. Met the others in Mellick Centre. Saw TOP GUN at the movies. A Life in WordsIs EXCELLENT. Tom Cruise the biggest hunk. After walked around. Went to duty free shop & drooled over the cheap items. Swatches only $34!!! [I can’t recall how much they actually cost in the retail stores back then but judging by the number of exclamation marks my guess is a fair bit more than $34] Mrs B dropped me home. . . Is 11:00 I need a new watch – Julia’s doesn’t keep time – gets too slow. Mark wasn’t at school & neither was Nicole. I’m fighting a losing battle. [What’s the war?]

Saturday 20/9/86

I did nothing – dad didn’t go to work cause he was moving into his new house. So I did nothing all day. Cherie rode over. I did some art-work – cleaned out my folios & some desk drawers. Watched some TV & listened to some music. Finally I packed to go to monique’s. Fi & mim had just gotten there when I did. We walked down & got 4 videos – 2 horror (yuk) & St Elmo’s Fire & European Vacation. We didn’t go out dammit. And Rebecca G didn’t come. We ate so much junk it’s not funny. Watched the videos & had swims in between them sometimes. Was hot. Got to sleep about 2:30. I think. Ate so much junk – hope I can shit it all out – don’t wanna get fat. [Hahaha, I remember thinking that a few times in my youth! That’s priceless: the supposition – hope! – that some things eaten might pass undetected through your digestive (and other) system(s). Ha!]

Sunday 21/9/86

Woke around 9:00. Had a swim. Finally (Mr & Mrs P cooked breakfast for us) we had brekky bacon & eggs. We spent the whole day by the pool. Tanning, dipping (to cool off) & of course, eating. Mr & Mrs P are so nice: they made us brekky & lunch & fussed about! (we listened to Beatles records meanwhile!!) [That’s right, I’d forgotten that Monique loved that era – the sixties.] Amanda M [a neighbour of Monique’s who happened to be a family friend of ours] saw me and came to the fence to say a quick hello. Mima got a phone call just after we’d hopped out (around 4:00(??)). Her mum was going to Sydney – her brother Duncan died last night. sad huh? So she went home soon. Then Fi & I went with mum. We’re going to town tomorrow. Fi, moni & I and we’ll meet mima at KAFFA – she’s working a full day there – cos’ Polly’s in Germany. Am so burnt – all got a little burnt – but I’m the reddest. I’ll have an early night tonight I think!! about 8:30.